Co-founders: Mr W Burke Esq.
Mr W Hare Esq.
Original location: Edinburgh
Trade; Meat suppliers to the medical fraternity
TO THE GRAVE AND TO ETERNITY
AN INNOVATIVE FUNERAL PLANNING SERVICE FOR THE NEW MILLENIA
Since the very conception of our company we have always prided ourselves on our high level of customer service, customer confidentiality, product availability, and tailor-maid bespoke delivery service. Since that time our commercial appeal has understandably broadened but the founding principles of the company stand as true and as strong today as they were all those years ago and now it is with pride that we wish to carry such values further still.
May we present to you our latest baby on the block, our newest addition to our family,
a vision of hope in the brave new world to come. Called, quite simply, TO THE GRAVE AND TO ETERNITY,our new Funeral service is the ultimate fully comprehensive family planning and cadaver dispatch service for today’s busy modern family. A service for all time and all ages, and a service delivered to you, our honoured customer, whenever, and wherever, you so desire.
In cooperation with Koffin and Kasket, Britain’s largest on-line funeral directory service, we are pleased to offer you a modern one stop, non-stop, 24-hour family planning and disposal service. Tailored and refined to reflect the real pressures of modern-day living, the following services will, we hope, give relief and comfort, for young and old alike and hopefully assist in the inevitable ending for all to come. So, hand in hand, walk with us, and let us guide you through the trails of life and lead you, gently, through the golden years to come.
In accordance with company tradition, and in light of modern marketing strategy we recognise, that client identification and client satisfaction are of utmost importance to the success for any company. As a client you deserve our full attention so that all that all your wants, needs, and demand can be fully recognised so that a successful resolution may be satisfactorily achieved.
Like all general other retailers an supermarkets that operate within the current retailing sector it is fair to say that in recent years we have largely concentrated on the supply of consumables and white goods so that you might enjoy your life to the full. This has proved to be a tried a tested formula for success but now we wish to carry our services one step further and to assist you in the sympathetic disposal of a loved one so that you may then carry on your own life to the full.
So it is we are pleased to offer not only strategically placed in-store facilities where detailed plans may be formulated, but also external facilities and locations should the desire so arise. Should you decide to avail yourselves of our new services, then absolute client confidentiality is guaranteed, but we do reserve the right to use such material for company training purposes, and the right to transfer such information to our sister companies should the occasion arise.
As regards external locations a full range of sites are readily available from our customer services desk although we do suggest that such areas as cliff tops, quarry edges, and pharmaceutical production facilities be viewed with caution. As regards such areas clients of a nervous, addictive, or suicidal disposition are advised not to apply, as we do not wish to hasten any client’s passage to an alternative world. Should any accidents occur please refer to appendix 2.On all external occasions however family involvement is always recommended as a good day out may be had by all, but we do recommended that, as regards more detailed discussions, children and those of a nervous or melancholic disposition be entertained elsewhere. We believe in both a good night’s sleep for both the living and the dead and our fear is that potential nightmares might possibly occur
With all the options the company declines to accept any responsibility for prior life or burial commitments. Any participating individual or individuals are deemed to be responsible for their own actions, and for their own choice of site and mode of burial. Should a dispute arise the company will claim non-involvement under English, European, international and natural law
Losing a loved one is never easy but with proactive management planning, sensitive handling, targeted incentivisation and the assistance of fully trained professionals around you, we feel that with the co-operation of K & K Services, we are now able to offer you as full and complete a service as any company can offer. The full list of our services can be obtained from our in-store customer service team members but outlined below is a selection of our more cutting edge services.
Popping in for a bit of shopping, buy an instalment funeral package at the same time.
Several carefully selected packages available dependent on recipient age, life expectancy, and desired level of comfort and style, please see in store brochures for further details or see our sales staff for previously stated planning services.
Buy One Get One Free. A classic variant of a much beloved and well established in-store policy. Think of carrots ‘n coffins, or potatoes ‘n pallbearers. Thinking about you and your family’s sell by date? Be like a boy scout. Did, dib, dob, dob, be prepared.
When it’s Gone Its Gone. Each week a different limited availability product, every week something new. We all like a something new, a bargain or a mystery prize so please see our notice boards or website for product details and availability.
Try before you buy
We all like to know if something fits so why not try your coffin for size. Situated in our health and beauty aisle, and assisted by our very own bespoke coffin makers we will guide you through our fully comprehensive range. From one size fits all to tailor-made coffins. We shall be there for you, every step and every coffin nail of the way.
Fun on a Friday, diseased by Sunday, dead and buried on Monday, a new express service well fitted to the modern fast paced society we all live in today. Wives, husbands, or partners need never know, absolute discretion observed all the way.
Timed Trolley dash
A real family favourite this one; watch your granny whiz round in style. Various options available as listed below (please tick for desired inclusion)
q Faulty trolley (variable steering options available)
q Various mother and child obstacles, supervised or unsupervised
q Hidden blind corner with unmarked oil and/or water spillage
q Strategically placed floor displays
q Poorly positioned shop cages, pallets, and loose cardboard
q Rude and/or obstructive staff
q Rude and/or obstructive customers
q Dithering pensioners
q Incoherent customer announcements and/or misleading signage
q In store product demonstrators
q Customer service evaluation personnel (please state required team numbers
q Smoke detector testing (natural or synthetic smoke available)
q Fire evacuation alarm activation plus optional sprinkler activation
q In store C.C.T.V video recordings. Wide screen 3d high definition and voice over availability with variable speed or frame by frame replay options.
q Email, blogging, Facebook, twitter and any other networking facilities
Don’t go out with a whimper; go out with a bang! Entertain the in-laws for years!
2 copies @ £10.00 / Copy
4 plus copies @ £8.00 / Copy
We are fully aware of how expensive life and death can be, it’s even worse than the price of petrol; or a pint of beer so after consultation with K & K we are pleased to offer the following discounted rates in addition to whatever package you chose.
|Option||Option details||Percentage discount per final package|
|1||One child (related or non related)||10|
|2||Family pets (children excluded)||15|
|3||Extended family members||20|
|4||Greatly extended family members||25|
|7||Door to door Jehovah witnesses etc||45|
|8||Call centre workers||50|
|9||Traffic wardens||FREE OF CHARGE|
|10||Extraterrestrials/alien life forms||Contact the newspapers or see your doctor|
Coffee and coffin hunt
Tired of dragging your children around the store; relax; sit down; chill, have a coffee; and watch in comfort while your children hunt the coffin. Hidden around the store we have scaled down party bag filled coffin; just right for the school bag or those lazy summer days. Themed party bags are available for all ages and all occasions and for those with mobility or disability problems baby walkers, Zimmer frames, guide dogs, and high voltage resuscitation chambers are always available free of charge, although a charge will be made should life after death be a chosen option; merchandising we can do quickly; miracles take a little more time!
Our most comprehensive of all in-store packages, and one for all the family. Can you and your family guess the price of funereal items to come, can you guess if the price is right? Family versus family, neighbour versus friend; winner takes all. Lose and you have nothing, win and get the trolley dash plus a 10% 24-hour discount and a free glass of wine (offer subject to availability; not available in Eire and the Isle of Man)
We all want to help save the planet, for ourselves and for generations to come, so why not go for our new cryogenic liquid nitrogen freeze option. Pop Granny or Auntie in the jar; pour in the nitrogen, freeze, and with one sharp tap down she goes to a powder. Hey presto instant fertilizer. No more moaning; no more snipes; and no more cracks about style. Just sit back, relax, grab a beer and watch your roses grow.
Surf n’ Turf
Gone are the days of catalogues and glossy pictures, now are the days of virtual reality and worldwide Internet services. With the assistance of K&K, our website, on-site computer and electronics engineers why not view your funeral plot before you die. Smell the grass, fondle the headstone; cradle your coffin, and listen to your own funeral; all before you die. With our revolutionary on line virtual reality systems your final resting place may be only one click away.
At the same time view our in store buffet menus and try a complementary sample from our hot and cold delicatessen counter. Produce availability does vary however, so may we advise a selection is made, by the recipient, at the precise time of usage so as to avoid any disappointment when the day actually occurs.
Up, Up, and Away
Calling all Trekkies and wannabe space travellers, calling all those who seek the universe and beyond; it’s here, it’s now, quite simply it’s up, up and away. A new service specifically designed for those who wish to go where so few have boldly gone before. We offer various options depending on the final orbital or atmospheric preferences so please see our in store leaflets or contact Trekkies Forever plc.
We are however informed by Trekkies forever that though teleport transportation services are available fully co-ordinated re-assemblage upon arrival cannot always be guaranteed. I addition no guarantee can be given as to the absence or presence of friendly or hostile resident populations, so personal health insurance is recommend should any difficulties arise.
Any breaches of Protocol or insurance policies occurring above, within, or on the earth are covered by international law and human rights legislation, but we are advised by all world governmental bodies that problems occurring at an interplanetary or intergalactic level should be refereed to the intergalactic council.
We have been informed this is currently sitting on the 14th outer ring of Saturn but as relocation is due to occur in the immediate future we would request that clients wishing to use their services allow for the occasional delay.
Finally, within this section, we have been advised that there may be the possibility of interaction occurring with parallel, bubble or tear and share universe’s. This advice has come from our resident quantum Physicist, who now works on one of our fish counters, but as he had been imbibing significant amounts of alcohol, and other stimulants, prior to this release of information we cannot give full accreditation to such views. For those seeking further assistance we suggest they turn to Wikipedia; a useful online site, which we understand, is a consistent source of accurate and highly verifiable information.
Alternatively our source suggests we speak to Ms Dorothea Whiplash from above the tearooms in Fish Lane Grimsby. We have not been able to ascertain her precise qualifications, or her full range of services, but apparently her charges are very reasonably priced and a guaranteed good time is had by all.
Rise and shine
As a company we have never been afraid to embrace the new but in doing so we are
Aware that in order to do so it is vital to learn from the past. So it is that we now introduce our most revolutionary of services; a real torch to lighten the darkened future; yet a real diamond formed buried in the mists of time.
It is fair to say that up until now death has, in the main, been pretty terminal. Depending on individual faith and personal persuasion it may be believed that the soul may survive to fight on again but physically that’s that, kaput, no more, or completely and utterly finished. Not now however for in this new dawn lies the potential for resurrection, a chance to live again, a chance to be really sincere with those who “love” you, and an opportunity to shout SURPRISE!!
How does it work, well it’s quite simple really. Last recorded about 2000 years ago, give or take a decade or two it involves being laid to rest in a chamber of your choice; caves are pretty good; being left to kip for about three days; and then WHOOSH! Out you come with appropriate lighting, musical backing, and a suitably cheerful, yet surprised, band of onlookers.
We must stress that this is not the most foolproof of systems but with the close assistance of K & K and other so far unspecified organisations or bodies we will do our best to ensure maximum satisfaction.
For general conditions of sale for the is entire section please see appendix 1, but for this final service please pay careful notice to appendix 2
Conditions of Service
1) As with all our products a refund and replace policy is always available but because of the nature of the product all such applications must be made by the recipient in person and be made both in writing and verbally so that full verification of failure may be made
2) Pre printed complaint forms may be collected at our customer service desks but all forms must be completed on site and once more by the recipient in question
3) If the recipient cannot be physically present at the time of application suitable proof of absence may be considered as potentially mitigatory factors although such proof should ideally be accompanied by a physicians sick note, or at the very least a confirmation from suitably elevated or subterranean authorities that post death relocation has actually occurred. To this end planchettes or ouji boards are available in store as well as the services of a registered medium
4) Such communicatory items are available in store at special discount prices or at an individually agreed price
5) Regarding the supermarket sweep service and the timed trolley dash, the responsibility for externally sourced spillages will be accepted by the company but internally sourced spillages are deemed to be the responsibility of the participatory customer and the subsequential removal of such spillages must be performed by such participants, or by surviving family members.
6) With reference to our Family Discount services we feel have been advised by K&K that, as regards family pets, an upper limit of size weight and overall dimensions must be observed, as well as defined points of origin. A full list of suitable pets is available in all our stores but we are advised, for example, that if you desire to dispose of such animals as Elephants, sperm whales, Dodo’s or giant Humboldt Squid, then a negotiated and mutually agreed surcharge will have to be made. Clients with extra terrestrial pets or life forms simply need not apply, unless documentary proof of origin, and a passport photograph, accompanies the recipient in question
All the items of appendix 1 apply to this service but in addition the following conditions apply
1) Should compensation be awarded in the unlikely event of customer dissatisfaction client definite proof of death must be given by the intended recipient as well as proof of resuscitatory failure.
2) No such claim can be made prior to a three day period, and after a period of five or more days. Bank holidays will not be considered a mitigatory factor as all our stores run on a 24 hr opening basis
3) All claims should be accompianed by legal representation as a minimum requirement, but if we may advise celestial representation would be favourably viewed by our senior management team
Service delivery standards & Company disclaimer
It has been bought to our attention that during trials of this service rumours were circulated that preferential service occurred due to empathy or lack of empathy between clients and individual members of staff. We emphatically deny such accusations as every client who uses our services, what ever they may be, is viewed with equal respect and courtesy by all company employees. The affection we have for all our clients wholly negates any potential desire to withhold the above services at any time. In addition all our staff have intimated that of all the services offered by the company this is invariably the most favoured of all the range. However should you feel that this is not the case please feel free to contact us or come in and see us at any time. Customer feedback is always welcome and as it forms a key constituent in the development of new product lines. Remember we are here for you all day and every day, so come on in and see what we can do; to the grave and on to infinity, you need never walk alone!
- Doctors, Dissection and Resurrection Men (seattlemysteryblog.typepad.com)