On Your knees....guys...on your knees!

On Your knees….guys…on your knees!

Link To Chapter 7

Living with the inner woman

On the whole men like women. There are many things about them that they cannot quite work out, but overall the bring solace when things are difficult, and certainly are very nice to be with when other more earthly passions call. There are however two tiny little problems. They have lovely bodies, all in an assortment of heights shapes and sizes to suit any man, but he soon finds out that mentally they are not just a breed apart from us guys, but also a planet apart as well. Additionally they sometimes go wrong. On all counts this can prove very difficult indeed. We will look at mental differences between the sexes later on but before we do so we need to look at the area of women’s problems. There is a huge assortment of ailments to look at, but even if we look at a couple conditions a very clear picture will emerge. First periods what exactly do we find here?

 When a man first gets to know a woman she is very careful not to let him know when she is having a period. About every four weeks she gets a little tired and possibly a little tetchy, and for some reason not known to the man she may want to be close to him, but not quite in the way that he might desire. Finally she might want to spend a little more time than usual washing her hair. This sounds very innocuous to the guy concerned, but though she might want to wash her hair, it is not in a location or at a time where any man would ever wish to be.

 Let us go further into the relationship, they are in love, and planning to get married, or at the very least to get engaged. Now she has to be cute as she is in the final stages of getting him hooked for life. As such she has to tell him a little bit more, but she still needs to keep him at a certain distance so that he cannot know exactly what is occurring. God forbid the truth should come out at this delicate stage! During these times he is automatically assured that it isn’t really a problem, it will only last a few days, and that he has got absolutely nothing to worry about. She is not that worried though, as by this time he is smitten with her, and therefore she knows that there is nothing but romantic slush and goo swimming between his ears. So it is she begins to plan for the future, and plan very carefully indeed. How is she to get her man up to and over the altar line without him knowing what is to come. It really is very easy. She buries him in wedding plans, smothers him in rosy covered petals and as regards her cycles carefully picks a wedding date when nothing, but nothing like that, will ever occur. So it is they get married, she smiles, and slowly rings the changes, now it is his turn to learn.

 When a man gets married he knows that certainly things must and will change. It is true that he will be sharing his life from now on with the woman of his dreams, and it is also true that, if it is a good marriage, he will enjoy both her company and the mutual physical pleasures that any long-term relationship will bring. One thing that he has forgotten though is that he has also agreed with her that from now on they will be as one body and one mind. Any woman can be proud of herself if she has managed to get this one past him as, once married or permanently settled she then knows that the real fun can begin. She knows that now she can say with impunity that now her body is his body, and as yet unbeknown to the poor sap, that includes everything, periods and all. For some men this actually isn’t a problem, as some women really manage such occurrences very well, and by keeping control of both her mind and her body during this time, both her and her partner, live a relatively pain free existence. As such what follows may not be relevant to them, but what happens when all such relief measures fail? What happens when every month all hell breaks loose, how is life within the happy home then?

 How does the phrase absolutely impossible sound, or simply hell on earth. Probably quite grim, but sorry guys, you decided to marry her. You may enjoy the gain, but remember, you are as one now; so both of you must enjoy the pain. To begin at the beginning, how is your good lady feeling during this time. Notebooks and pencils at the ready gentlemen, it’s time for you to learn. To begin with she has quite a few physical symptoms. For at least five days she probably feels as though she is being kicked in the stomach. Not just once, and not just by one foot, by repetitively and by a whole damned rugby team. Not only that the buggers are hacked off after a heavy defeat and intent on causing as much grief and misery as possible. To begin with she may have a clutch of symptoms that might include headaches, migraine, fatigue, severe stomach cramps, bloating, and the most insatiable craving for carbohydrates. The last factor has at least the advantage of you also enjoying sugar, chocolate, bread rice and noodles but remember, she is more desperate than you, so take a tip and get out of the way. Eventually such symptoms may ease but worse is to come, as she then begins to bleed, and to bleed through an orifice where, in your opinion as a man, no blood should ever poor. Finally, in this tale of woe comes the final foetid mess that indicates the end of her cycle.

Now guys, if these rugby players kicked your testicles from here to infinity, you would be pretty annoyed but this is nothing compared to what your poor wives go through, and remember they endure this cycle roughly every twenty eight days, so I would ask you to bear such fact in mind when we begin to talk about mood swings. When most of imagine going on the swings I am sure we imagine happy summer days in the park where we gaily play with our friends, and a time when laughter reign supreme. What we don’t envisage is that happy friend of ours jumping of the swing and, with a hideous scream, planting her fist securely across, and then up, our nose. Afterwards our friend is of course very sorry and swears that it will never happen again, but when it happens every month, and more than once on each cyclical occasion, you begin to wonder what is going in. She is always remorseful, but you still have the badly bitten, bleeding, and possibly dog-eared nose. What have you done to deserve this sanguineous accolade, nothing, absolutely nothing? All you have done is to have been in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s your story anyway, but listen up guys, she has slightly different story to tell. 

As far as she is concerned she has all the above symptoms and a whole lot more that her insensitive pig of a partner seems unaware of, additionally he never seems to learn how she feels and keeps on making the same blunders every single time. To begin with he will keep on acting as if he is a qualified doctor or gynaecologist all rolled into one. There you are being kicked to death by all and sundry, and there he stands telling you all about female anatomy which you know about all ready; and then he has the absolute cheek to tell you that he understands how you feel. This is of course absolute nonsense and you tell him so, but it is of no use as he just gets annoyed, answers you back sharply, and then runs off to his cave, where he stays for as long as he can. If only he understood you more. If only he realised you needed a hug when you had just smacked him for offering comfort, if only he stayed close by when you screamed at him to go away. That’s all you want really, except for the rugby team to clear off and leave you alone, but what is his overall response. He either stands there all lost or confused or goes on the run. Men can be so stupid at times, you really couldn’t have made things any clearer now could you?

All is not lost though as eventually all such miseries come to an end, but not without one last passing storm. Let us assume this poor sap of a partner or husband is still with his dearly beloved, and that she has been continuously been giving him hell for approximately twenty to twenty five years. Their family doctor suddenly tells him not to worry, as there is light at the end of the tunnel, as her periods will soon come to an end. There is however one small problem however, the doctor explains, she will have to undergo the change. Now our poor devil is a little hard of hearing after so many years of living with his periodical mate from hell, and rather hearing that she will undergo the change, he hears that she is about to change. This pleases him at first, as though he loves her, a new calmer partner would be quite handy, and less expensive on teapots, but then over the horizon the awful truth rises up to greet him. Her menopause is upon her, and with its onset a whole new cycle begins. After years of practice he knows how to deal with her periods, as well as the other varied problems that she seems to endure. He has learnt, with her assistance, to understand how she feels when she is feeling rough and even to anticipate with some accuracy when her periods are due to occur. Now things are different as all of a sudden a new set of rules appear out of nowhere.

To begin with her cycle of periods goes berserk. Out goes the twenty-eight day window, and in comes highly erratic mayhem. Sometimes disappearing, and at other times coming all in a rush, they really can be beauties for all who have eyes to see. Gone are the regular blood flows, and definitely gone are the once predictable mood changes.  In their place come rivers of semi clotted blood, repugnant final flows, and last, but not least, huge mood swings and behavioural changes. Her internal thermostat gives up and dies, she has headaches and migraines by the ton, her sleep patterns go to pot, and her increased energy and creativity have to be seen to be believed. This would be fine if he could anticipate what was coming down the line but if she wakes, he wakes; she makes sure of that, but though he appreciates all the pottery mugs she is making, and her attempts to learn the violin, he wishes she might practise such skills, or lack of skills, at a more appropriate time. Two in the afternoon is fine by him, and his neighbours, but two in the morning is trying everybody’s patience just a little too far. The final change however is the hardest to deal with, as there seems little that he can do.

 What is he to do when she breaks into tears and, amidst all this bloodshed, claims that he doesn’t love her, that she is old, ugly, and unattractive, and that he simply doesn’t understand how she feels. When this happens he really is in trouble.

If he claims that he does love her she rapidly fires of all the stated physical and emotional elements, and states that he is lying. If he repudiates all the other statements he is not only accused of lying, but also being an insensitive, uncaring, and unobservant illegitimate son of dubious parentage. If he says nothing whatsoever, the last set of charges are magnified at least threefold, and if he agrees with her on any or with all parts of her statement then God help him, he had better run. So it is that he stands there caught between the devil and the deep blue sea, whilst all the time he has his own problems to deal with.

Does she give two hoots about his menopause while this is going on? Does she give a damn about his rapidly disappearing libido, his non-existent or flagging erections, or his increasing inability to perform? Is she concerned about his shrunken genitalia, his hideously increasing body fat, dodgy nipples, vagueness or apparent senility? Finally how about his deepening depression, is she there to support him? No, of course not, it is her menopause that matters. Her symptoms are real, important, and demand top priority, after all that’s just natural law.  He will just have to sit back shut up, and take whatever she wishes to give him. His symptoms are purely on his mind, all he needs to go is to go in a diet. Typical man, she screams, fat, inconsiderate, selfish, and uncaring. Once more, if only he would just understand how she feels, life would be so much easier.

All bad things, like all good things eventually come to an end, and all such symptoms eventually subside and mercifully slide into the dustbins of personal history, but there is one condition which can occur at any time once sexual maturity has been reached that needs to addressed alone. At first glance it seems a blessing compared to what we have discussed so far, as the symptoms that we have been discussing often disappear for the best part of a year. I refer, of course, to pregnancy, to that wonderful passage of life that all couples so lovingly enjoy. It is time to turn to the next chapter and examine all the joys that such an experience brings.  How should we best address such an issue, well why not look at a typical couple who either by accident or design, decide to have a baby, and then follow them up until and just after the baby has been born. Those of a sensitive nature should at this point leave the room, as, for the uninitiated, things are about to get just a little sanguineous and scary. 

Link To Chapter 9

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