For those of you that don’t speak the newer American English slang I’ll give you a little vocabulary lesson. The word “trippin” can be used in a number of ways. The most common is to describe a level of going slap friggin crazy on someone that is impossible to even put into words. One might say, “Hey, you’re straight trippin on me for no reason. What’s up with that?”
So, evidently I’m trippin. I’m just going straight friggin crazy on everyone. The thing is…I know who I am. I know what I’ve done. I’m no saint. I do wrong. But, as I said, I’m trippin. I have…evidently…been doing things I can’t remember. I mean…I figured some of these things are definitely things I would remember, but evidently I’m trippin.
If I’m trippin then great. I guess it’s a fun trip. Maybe I’m really just that crazy. I guess we will never know.
Oh wait! Yes, we will know. I know I’m not crazy. I know that the only crazy thing I’ve ever done is believe in the wrong people in my life. I trusted when experience should have taught me caution. I gave much when experience should have taught me to give less. I forgave often when experience should have taught me to also forget and move on.
I should have let go of the silly notion that just because a person should care for me the way they claim doesn’t mean they actually do care for me the way they claim. I guess I knew but didn’t want to believe that such people existed in the world, and I certainly didn’t want to believe such people could exist within my circle of family and friends.
I will always miss the people they were to me, but they chose to become something different. Instead of love and kindness I received contempt and deception. I was never afforded tolerance. I was given hatred. This is not true for all of my family and friends. There are some that I could call today and be given the love and understanding they should all give…if they were true family and friends to begin with.
In the darkness all light is abhorrent. It is painful to look at, and impossible to accept if you have accepted the dark. It is also impossible to comprehend, and in some cases impossible to believe. That light should exist in such a place may very well be incomprehensible–but I know it is not impossible. I’ve lived something different.
Bright lights in a dark world.
When you walk in the light the dark doesn’t scare you, but when you’ve existed in the dark the light is terrifying because your eyes aren’t strong enough to see into it. Let your eyes adjust. You’ll get it eventually.
[This piece is intentionally unedited.]