Sometimes it feels like I’m falling. I won’t stop.
So I just let myself fall. I fell completely. I tried to tell myself that just because I was falling…it didn’t mean I failed. I knew I could get back up, and as soon as the fall was over that’s what I did.
It always starts with a song. At least, that’s how it has always been for me. Any sort of serious internal (and dare I say…eternal?), personal, spiritual change always begins inside of me with a song that comes into my life. Whether it is a song I am writing, a song I hear for the first time, or an old song that suddenly takes on new meaning for me…it always begins in music. Thus, this post. The song below is responsible for these words. Thank you to The Civil Wars for sharing this with the world.
I thought that falling in love with myself might fix things, but thankfully I realized that isn’t true before I ever made the mistake of falling in love with myself. The problem with falling for yourself is that eventually you will have to get over yourself. I couldn’t handle falling out of love with me after having to force myself to fall out of love with…another person.
I didn’t know love could hurt so bad. I didn’t know that love could be such a horrible thing. It can be terribly wonderful. It can be toxic and delicious all at the same time. I understand why some people choose to spend their lives alone, and now wonder why some people are so distracted with their blessings while they complain about being alone.
When forced to be alone, and when given no choice in the matter, I realized that I would rather be alone and feel unloved than be in any kind of relationship with someone (friend, family, lover, etc) and feel…unloved. Or rather…I already knew but finally found the courage to believe it.
So, I choose to be alone for now. My real friends will understand why I choose to be alone. The ones that love me will still love me. Those that deserve my company will understand why I need to keep company with myself and only myself for a while.
I’m saying my good-byes this week, in a manner of speaking. I have work in another state and plan to visit as many family members, friends, loved ones, and possibly even enemies as I can before I go off to start this crazy writing adventure I have scheduled.
Some of my good-byes will be more permanent than others, and some will be more permanent than I want them to be, and still others may end up being permanent when they aren’t intended to be…but the point is they are all good-byes. It will hurt. Just knowing that more pain is coming is hard to process, but at least I’m walking into it with my eyes open. At least I am prepared for the sting, and I am still moving forward…unafraid, or at the very least faking the appearance of unafraid enough to fool myself.