Am I What They Say I Am?

People have good things to say about me most of the time.  I’m cute- funny- warm hearted- give you the shirt off my back kind of girl.  I wear my masque so well and after all this time, I have so many!  Something for almost any occasion, only a select few have seen what lives behind the masques.  If people knew the thoughts that go through my head they would be appalled.

I am late for my dinner party.

So, I smile upon entering, make small talk, check on dinner and make sure my husband is behaving.  I nod and smile and make sure we have plenty of aperitifs.  I touch a hand, smile, gesture “hello” again and again.  Yes, we all  live in a artificial world, but only a few of us see it.  I attempt to be the perfect hostess.

My real world is a dark and dank place.  It’s a place where hurting myself is perfectly acceptable.  Among the rubble of my broken dreams lies a shattered life. There choked with weeds,are the ruined cities of my memories.   Here I take off the masque and I am what I see in the mirror, a mess.  This dress which I thought was so wonderful is hideous. I am out of control.  I run silently screaming through my body, disgusted.  I feel compelled to look in the mirror again.  I don’t want to.  There are words written on the mirror: Lazy! Fat! Procrastinator! Slob! Ugly!  I reach out to wipe them away only to find they are written in blood.  My blood.  I’ve cut myself again, deeper than usual.  Funny,  it doesn’t hurt at all, not as much as those words did.  Words that are now a bloody smear across a mirror.  Where does that leave me?  Alone – again.

Back at the party no one has noticed my absence.  I return, masque in place, just in time to dance with my husband.

I’m home, but it doesn’t feel like home.  I am empty inside, but you would never know.  I don’t fit.  I don’t know how to fit my piece in this puzzle called “Life”.  How do people go about doing their daily routine and never realize that if they stopped the world wouldn’t. It just keeps on turning, silently in space.  There are people who are leaders and people who are followers.  I am neither. I am only me,no more, no less and not enough.

The party wasn’t real.  There were no aperitifs, no greetings and definitely no dancing.  Just crap that rolls around in my brain.  The words on the mirror are real and I do cut when necessary and I can’t even explain that to you.  Then again why would you care?


Categories: Dealing with the Blues, Guest Author, Special Projects

1 reply

  1. Welcome aboard,,well done, and keep on posting!

    Oh, and why not spread the word around


Your views and your comments are invaluable, so I'd love to hear from you. Please leave a comment or a reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Let me tell U a story

An article blog for the short story author Chris Wilson, a special project site dedicated to supporting all those affected by depression and other related illnesses, and a site for all those who either love to think differently, or who love the English language

My Wonderland. Mental Health Blog

Finding normality within Bipolarity. The inner musings of a chemically challenged manic-depressive. Mildly* asocial and a purveyor of awesome.

Karen Wilson_ Awaken

Tools for Personal Development

Writing Compulsion

Compulsively creating reality, with a little bit of the unreal.

Jennifer Michelle Jones

Writing things you wouldn't repeat in polite company...

The Elephant in the Room

Writing about my experiences with: depression, anxiety, OCD and Aspergers


through the darkness there is light

Youth Of A Nation:Bent not Broke

Not all wounds are visible

Myshelle Congeries

I Bleed Words Sometimes

Be Good or Be Good At It!

Real Life...only Funnier!

Julian Stodd's Learning Blog

A place to explore new ideas in Learning


Reflection - Horror Press Publishing

Chris Mentillo Official Social Media Site

Storytime with John

Pull up and listen...I've got a funny one for ya...

Vampire Maman

Musings of a Modern Vampire Mom

K.S.@ksfinblog: Global Analyst

Scientist, Researcher, Writer. Specializes in Bending Science(s) to fix the world.

Coffee. Write. Repeat.

Writing my way through life, one word at a time.

Heather SinnerElla Hoe

Voice of Health and Body Image

%d bloggers like this: