A warm welcome to a new guest Author,JOANNR7..and her first contribution..Am I What They Think I Am


first stepAs followers and visitors to this blog may know, I have set up a Special Project section called Dealing With the Blues, where support is given and received from those suffering from depression and other related illnesses

It has always been my wish to invite Guest contributors and Guest Authors to post work and advice within this section, and it is with much Pleasure that I can now welcome the first Guest Author to this site; JOANNR7

I have not included her second name for privacy reasons, and I would like her to introduce herself in her own way, but, like me, she has experienced depression in one of many of its forms

We both feel that it is only by opening up and speaking about such issues that understanding and support can be given, so I hope you will enjoy her contributions over time

What I can do though, with her kind permission, is to present you with one work which she has written called: Am I What They Think I Am

I hope you enjoy the work as much as much as I have done, and please feel free to comment on what you see.

………………………………

Am I What They Think I Am

By JOANNR7

People have good things to say about me most of the time.  I’m cute- funny- warm hearted- give you the shirt off my back kind of girl.  I wear my masque so well and after all this time, I have so many!  Something for almost any occasion, only a select few have seen what lives behind the masques.  If people knew the thoughts that go through my head they would be appalled.

I am late for my dinner party.

So, I smile upon entering, make small talk, check on dinner and make sure my husband is behaving.  I nod and smile and make sure we have plenty of aperitifs.  I touch a hand, smile, gesture “hello” again and again.  Yes, we all  live in a artificial world, but only a few of us see it.  I attempt to be the perfect hostess.

My real world is a dark and dank place.  It’s a place where hurting myself is perfectly acceptable.  Among the rubble of my broken dreams lies a shattered life. There choked with weeds,are the ruined cities of my memories.   Here I take off the masque and I am what I see in the mirror, a mess.  This dress which I thought was so wonderful is hideous. I am out of control.  I run silently screaming through my body, disgusted.  I feel compelled to look in the mirror again.  I don’t want to.  There are words written on the mirror: Lazy! Fat! Procrastinator! Slob! Ugly!  I reach out to wipe them away only to find they are written in blood.  My blood.  I’ve cut myself again, deeper than usual.  Funny,  it doesn’t hurt at all, not as much as those words did.  Words that are now a bloody smear across a mirror.  Where does that leave me?  Alone – again.

Back at the party no one has noticed my absence.  I return, masque in place, just in time to dance with my husband.

 

I’m home, but it doesn’t feel like home.  I am empty inside, but you would never know.  I don’t fit.  I don’t know how to fit my piece in this puzzle called “Life”.  How do people go about doing their daily routine and never realize that if they stopped the world wouldn’t. It just keeps on turning, silently in space.  There are people who are leaders and people who are followers.  I am neither. I am only me,no more, no less and not enough.

 

The party wasn’t real.  There were no aperitifs, no greetings and definitely no dancing.  Just crap that rolls around in my brain.  The words on the mirror are real and I do cut when necessary and I can’t even explain that to you.  Then again why would you care?

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Categories: Dealing with the Blues, Guest Author, Special Projects

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2 replies

  1. This thing here hmm let me say first thank you for helping me come out the closet about the same thing. Not exactly but exactly what I suffer from the same terrifying thought. The thought am I what they think I am? Allow me to introduce myself I am the voice behind sincerelyjessicamaerichardson.wordpress.come. Truthfully to really honest and candid, I feel like the perfect storm is set ablaze in my thought processes all the time.

    I, like you am a likeable for the most part kind of gal give you the shirt off my back. At times, I see that can be my biggest weakness. I believe I have been maimed in a sense by my belief system. Let me explain, I have an issue with boundaries wherein I am beginning to get the lesson. Which to date has only seemed to leave me drained and depleted caring for others in my own strength. I am not upset that God gave me a grace to care for others but I am learning too that I also have to have wisdom with that as well. I used the term “my own strength.”

    The way this world is those with other issues see you coming and well the spirit in them will try to draw you out. So anyhow, I appreciate this post because I’m saying all of this because in reaching out to others and becoming drained by it, i have become weakened in other areas where i should be strong enough to bring myself up and out.

    Okay, I’m trying to stay focused. What does this have to do with anything relevant to your post at all? Well, succinctly put, I if you haven’t noticed this is the fourth paragraph in correspondence to your post and all my thoughts seem to be scattered i.e all over the place. Evidence of a storm. Do you know what mental illness stem from?

    In my observation and research anything that distorts or scatters and disorganizes the thought process can be classified as a disorder and of course the mind is a battlefield where it all happens. Dis-order. like something or someone has scattered the imaginations of my heart. This is in the Bible. It’s very spiritual and I pray to God everyday for help in areas of focus and caring for myself too. I believe this thing is the devil himself his spirit wreaks confusion and discourse. Thwarts the purpose of God in our lives, his perfect will.

    I wrestle with the same feelings/tendencies as you – only my wrestlings have to do with self-loathing and passivity and false burdens, fight-or-flight syndrome which i usually choose flight because my spirit be so overwhelmed that I choose to oversleep all the time. Making my way even harder because it puts me behind the 8-ball all the time in a hurry. Which makes me look disheveled at times and completely exhausted. you can view this in a recent post http://youtu.be/rpy1tJ-dIh8?list=UUpF0W2PQkE1w0Njiphzihxg.

    Horrible horrible deep dark spiritual wrestlings that won’t go away for good. They always try and come back and seize what energy or love I have to give on a daily basis. I have lost many a friendship because of this scattered way of life. Trying to keep up appearances when one’s life is alienated or incapacitated to sustain fruitful relationships is a horrible way to exist. Because relationships take time and effort to build and when you fall short in something you put effort and love into it cuts like a knife to see it all fall apart.

    Another thing, I’m too nice too which is a curse to me at times, another weakness. I say God made me like that and if he hadn’t I most likely would be just as hard and callous as most people are in the world unless they get their heart broke. And even in that, there is a choice to make are you going to be embittered by it or let it change you for the better. My children say that I remind them of the Disney character, Ella Enchanted. She was a peasant girl who was cursed with the spell of obedience.

    On masques, I wear many as well been putting them on for a spell since I was a teenager. The only thing that stablilizes me is prayer in Jesus Christ and studying the Holy Scriptures. I guess this has to do with being baptized in the Spirit. Because these issues we endure of a spiritual nature played out in our psychological behaviors bearing forth fruit. It is written that “….we wrestle not against flesh and blood but wickedness in high places principalities, …” Is not the mind the high places where principalities reside and contend dark forces contend with the light?

    The good news is that in the end we win when we choose to expose ourselves in order to bring about a greater understanding.Men love darkness because their deeds are evil. Selah.

    Moreover, to show forth that we are not the only ones hurting in such a way. Reading your post today confirmed what the Lord would have me to do, purge all the leaven out. The hour of the true worshipper and those whom worship must worship him in spirit and in truth. You revealed your heart in this post and it sat me free to release my agony as well. Thank you for showing me how to love who and how I am no matter how messed up others think I am. Remember for our light affliction it is working an exceedingly greater glory for us.

    I’m trying to honor the legacy on our lives by taking what the Lord permitted and make it for the greater good. That is why I am picking up the mantle and speaking out on the subject of mental illness. God has showed me something in all of this, and I believe the responsible thing would be to share it somehow. Hopefully something can be done because we have been hurt so badly by it. You already know that what people don’t understand they seem to fear. And to be bluntly honest, in our society today, people would sooner throw you away than deal with a disruptive spirit. Rightfully so they would be right to do so like in that book now made into a movie, The Giver.”

    But I seen what being out-casted results in. Tragedy, pain and misery. My brother lived like that. So I pray at least his life could not have been in vain. Else it would have been like Diana Ross’s character Pauline’s mother said, “A wasted life.”

    That would be the greatest sin of them all. And worst yet, we would all prove not worthy of the experience at all.

    I apologize for the long – winded response but I tried to say what I had to say in as few words as possible. Weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning. Selah and Amen.

    Sincerely Jessica Mae Richardson
    #ladytambourine

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Jessica

      Thank you for your comment, and I am glad that the post has been of some assistance.

      I suppose we all project an outer personality to some extent, but all to often it hides what is going on below. I must confess that although I am a Christian by upbringing and by baptism etc, I am not a follwer of any one particular faith, as I firmly believe that all faith have arisen from a single power source with subsequent variations on a theme, but I am delighted the Church is there for you, and that it gives you the support and strength that you need.

      I do believe however that we, as individuals, do need to believe in at least one thing, and that is ourselves and our inner ability to find some kind of rebalancing trick of our own. Sometimes that belief can be so distasnt that we lose sight of it entirly, but somewhere, somehow it is there.

      Dopes it mean we always find it, no not always, but at least if we open up and share our experiences, our problems and self doubts can be shared and maybe eased. This is what this section of nmy blog is all about, and your commbnt is a fine exmaple of what can be achieved.

      Please pass this way again though, should you feel like it, for more posts will follow,and again, if you wish to do so pass on the word that this blog is here

      O yes, do I know where mental illness comes from? Well there are as many starting points as there are sands of grain on the beach, and each grain has it’s, own shape, character, root cause and identity. What we have to remember is that we have a genuine condition which should be respected and treated accordingly. We are not mad, we are not silly, we are just ordinary human beings with an outlook and philosophy on life which is a little different from the norm.

      All I can say in closing is the best of luck over the months and years to come. You are not alone, you never need to be alone, as apart from here, there are so many other sites and individuals out there who can help you on your way.

      Like

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