Did I really hear that….Dear God’s it’s true


OCTOPUS

On my Mothers Life, I deny everything!…where’s my solicitor.. I want him…NOW!

How many times do we find ourselves relaxing over a mug of coffee or whatever, when a comment, or a displayed message close by us leaves us wondering if we are dreaming, or completely insane

This is going to become a new category within the blog, a humorous new category, and to get things rolling I invite you to try the following three items for size.

They all sound improbable, They all sound rather painful and potentially embarrassing for at least one participant in each example, and, dependent on your genetic coding, you may well find yourself crying with laughter or pain, Sadly I cannot provide you with linkages for final verification, but I swear to you on all that I believe in that they are true.

 

have you heard about Freddie the Ferret....WELL!

have you heard about Freddie the Ferret….WELL1

The use of ferrets within”certain sectors” of the community

Medical humour is , at it’s best, anarchic, slightly gruesome, and undoubtedly weird, but even with such corridors of lunacy there is na noble institution that keeps most medical excesses at bay.

It is called the British Medical Journal, or more commonly as the B.M.J, and it’s both learned and serious in it’s approach to medicine in a way that is to be admired

Even so even this paragon of virtue can give rise to unforseen hilarity, and many years, while working for the NHS, our boss, dropped by an article that, in her words,

I thought you might all enjoy

The article concerned the use of ferrets, toothless ferrets mind you, by certain members of society, for enhanced sexual pleasure and gratification, and to quote directly from the issues gilded pages

The ferrets have to be toothless to avoid internal discomfort and injury

Whatever else you do, or don’t give to a bunch of good humoured lab technicians, sorry Medical Laboratory Scientific Officers, you don’ t give out such material

We simply howled with laughter, but it was to get even better.

I refuse to divulge which members of society were highlighted, nor the mode of operation in which the poor animals (apparently without any animal maltreatment) were involved, but imagine our uncontrolled screams of laughter when the following two comments were made

Just think, poor “sanguinous” ferrets

and then, the comment to end all comments

Oh I don’t know, they might like it, after all it would be dark, warm, damp, and plenty of smells!

See what I mean?

 

Oh Goody....just want I wanted... a hand operated washing machine!...Come here Darling, and let me scrub your b...s!

Oh Goody….just want I wanted… a hand operated washing machine!…Come here Darling, and let me scrub your b…s!

Washing machines and the female psyche

Within many households there sits a piece of equipment that goes by the name of a washing machine. For many guys it is an object of both fear and veneration, as God help any husband or partner that presses the wrong button, or, horrors of horrors, but a black sock in the same wash as his wife, or partners pristine white clothes. There is one other thing he knows though, or thinks he knows in all his innocence. The machine, by it’s very name is  designed purely and simply for the cleaning and possibly drying of clothes

How wrong can such guys be, and to prove my point I invite you to carry on reading below.

If you are in catering, and a Hen Night party are within earshot, it is often quite an interesting occupation to pin back your ears, and to listen to what is going on. Why so, because believe me guys, you have got nothing on ladies as regards prenuptial celebrations, for, as the ladies are concerned,  anything, and I do mean absolutely anything goes.

One night, in a small bar from whence there was no readily available ejector seat or escape tunnel, I had the “pleasure” of serving such a party of ladies.

A lovely bunch of ladies, and all in high spirits, and guess what they were discussing, yes, you’ve got it ….. washing machines!

Now you guys , wise up and listen carefully. One day your good lady may well “invite” you to buy her such a machine, so keep mind the following factors, as they may well affect your relationship for years to come

  1. Washing machines are not purely for washing clothes
  2. Top or front loading design features are critical
  3. tumble dry or spin dry programs are equally important
  4. turbo power is an almost obligatory feature
  5. On no account should you try and extract the same” usage” from the machine as your partner; nature can be very cruel

The discussion, to the best of my memory went on for about half an hour until one sweet little 18 yr old newly wed stated the following

“I don’t understand you lot. My husband is buying me a machine for Xmas; and it’s turbo powered”

A scream of delighted laughter swept around the table, and as I ran out of the bar to hide my own laughter a horrified single final comment echoed around the room

“Oh not for that, I don’t mean THAT, you know what I mean!”

Need I say more

 

3 days.....3 days.....3 minutes more likely.....3 minutes and you are done!

3 days!…..3 days!!…..in your dreams lover boy…..3 minutes, if I’m lucky, and you are done!

3 day Viagra..a salutory lesson for us all

Imagine, if you will, being on a tea break, and hearing the following as you entered the room

“I don’t know where he got it from, but my mate has got hold of some Viagra, and he says it orange flavoured and it’s continually effective for 36 hours

This is the comment that actually spawned this post (no pun intended) and has led to the creation of this new category., but can you imagine the reaction of all those present in the room, some of which can be seen below

  1. Wouldn’t that be a bit awkward
  2. why orange flavoured, what if you don’t like oranges
  3. 36 hours! What about his poor missis, is she allowed her say?
  4. where can I buy some, and has he got anymore!
  5. O.M.G. a three day “protuberance”

More was to follow though, as cheaper and more “homemade” applications and enlargement were considered. My favourite was the “insertion” of a balloon, or some such apparatus, into the males urethra, and then the use of a bycyle pump, or helium gas so as to achieve the required level of enlargement and elevation

The final comment though was a beauty, and it really brought the house down, for as one wit pointed out, orv rather sang out, as he leaned back in his chair laughing

“Look dear, I’m floating in the air!”

So there you go folks, just a few Did I really hear that’s to, er, get you going. I hope you enjoy this post, with its carefully disguised references, and,  and as I’m concerned,this new category, is going to be fun.

And just to show you what I mean please enjoy the video below. Please note the vocal phrase they are meant to be singing is chocolate LICKERS, I repeat LICKERS….not, most definitely not KNICK…..

oh come on now behave…behave I tell you…..this is meant to be serious

 

 

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