Beauty and the Beast…Chptr 1…The mists of Time

What do you mean..where's the other one!

I’ve got the dinner, and I’m making the fire, what else do you want from me…flowers!…WOMEN!

Chapter 1 ….The Mists of Time

Ok let’s get going; and how better to get going than to meet the guy who is the grandaddy of us all. Yes everybody ,it’s time to meet Uggie. There he is, just to the left of you, and both Uggie by name, as ugly by nature, this primordial chunk of beefsteak represents the baseline for man. Why is this so, well quite simply from his loins all of mankind flows, so it really is quite important to work out how he thinks, how he works, and how he fits into everything that surrounds him.

For his day Uggie is what we now term a typical middle of the road kind of guy. He certainly isn’t the sharpest tool in the box, or the most sartorially inclined, but there are those around him who are both thicker and more malodorous, so he’s actually a cool dude for his time. Additionally, as a middle Stone Age hunter-gatherer in the Mesolithic period, he has at least realised the value of larger sharpened bits of flint and stone, as well as the advantages of cleared open spaces, and a good view over the river and hills.

As we see meet him he has just returned from a good days hunting and, with a freshly killed wild boar in tow, he is about to come home, greet the Mrs’s, have a good feed, and rest his weary feet for a while. For him life is simple. It is his job to hunt and gather for his family, while his ancestral mate stays put to keep an eye on the sprogs, and generally keep everything on the family patch neat, clean, and tidy. If he had any conception of what marriage was he might have popped the question by now, for he is an amiable soul, but such notions are several thousand years ahead of his time, so there is very little else he can do but lead his life as best he can.

He has arrived home now however, so with a little grunting and growling he enters the family patch to see if anyone is at home. The kids are out in the forest at the moment, but out of the shadows come Mrs Uggie, or his significant other by any other name. Look at her closely, for she is to play an equally important, if not more important role throughout our lives to come.

All I ask for is a bunch of flowers and a abit of appreciation, so what does he give me....yet another set of balls...MEN!

All I ask for is a bunch of flowers and a bit of appreciation, so what does he think about, and then give me….yet more balls…MEN!

Broad of hip and adequately endowed as regards mammary capacity she is a pleasant enough looking lass, for that time period, but though having a similar mental capacity as her partner, she has the rudiments of a tool which, when developed over thousands of years, has to this day stood the test of time.

Some call it the sixth sense, some womanly intuition, but whatever term we care to use, it is probably the most powerful of all tools any woman can learn, earn, or obtain.

In her case though its power is largely blind, but even now she looks at Uggie in a way that he cannot understand. There he is, with a wild boar over his shoulder, the provider home from the hills, but still she seems dissatisfied. What else is a man to do, he murmurs to himself, but he fails to catch the calculating gleam in her eye. Clearly, she feels, he could do more.

Fortunately, for Uggie, she has limited cognitive understanding, but deep within her primitive mind the thought has arisen that, she is living with an imbecile. Feeling a little embarrassed by his stupidity and lack of sophistication, she has requested that her real name be disguised, hence the title Mrs Uggie, but looking at him, as cleans himself up in the river, she realises that he is probably as good as she is likely to get, therefore she has to manage as best she can. The only real question she faces is how?

It is really easy; she lets him believe that he is the boss in their relationship while at the same time she exercises all the power. She has realised for some while now that, with his brains buried in, and operating from, his testicles, she is basically dealing with an overgrown child. In so many respects his childlike transparency is very useful, as it means she can multitask with freedom, and have a damn good laugh at his expense at the same time.  Additionally she can use his raw power to fend for her and the family, and his basic if rampant sexuality to satisfy her other needs as a woman.

It is true that she might have to simulate her physical excitement occasionally, but all in all things could be an awful lot worse. Currently though such ascendancy is in its infancy so, outwardly, she finds it easy to give way to his supposed superiority. The real force of her powers will take a few more thousand years to evolve!

She has one problem though, he does not always really understand her, and that, at times can be thoroughly irritating. His needs are easy to understand, or she finds it to be so, but when it comes round to her needs he really is quite dim.

He will insist on a kiss and a cuddle when she simply isn’t in the mood, or if she has a headache. He is of no use during her monthly period, and discussions about holidays or home furnishings are simply a waste of time.

All he does is to both grunt dismissively and go to sleep, or trot of somewhere where he can chase around a series of balls; sometimes even his own when his urges so demand. Never mind she is his and he is hers, so now we prepare to leave the happy couple and move through the centuries up until the present time.

For many thousands of years, and throughout many emerging societies, it would seem that nothing much changed. Some things take time to develop, and try as women might the sheer brutish power of men always seemed to dominate in the end. It is true that exceptions occurred, and that in some more liberated societies or communities men were shown up to be the dumb schmucks that they really were, but in the main guys held sway outside of the house while women either had, or were given, more power within. The only exception to this was in the bedroom where power was not always shared.

It is also true that women certainly never lost the natural ability to attract their men, but once men were stimulated, and within the bed sheets, sexual equality and human rights regulations, were not always rigidly observed. It took many thousands of years for that particular equation to equalize, and even now, after a few bevies, and on various festive occasions, men sometimes still look fondly back over time.

Bearing this in mind how is it then we have struggled to get through to our now allegedly enlightened times? Might it be that women got fed up of the wooden club treatment, and of their stagnant unwashed and testosterone fuelled partners? Might it be that they crossed their legs a little more tightly, and then demanded more, or was it more likely that utter desperation ruled the day?

“Woo us!”

The ladies all cried.

“Give us flowers from the forests. Give us candlelight, chocolate and wine, and for God sake take a bath once in a while!”

In the end the penny dropped and men, some men, began to behave. That is when courtship, personal grooming and the concept of marriage emerged, and so it is that we begin to move to the present day. Such practices and ideals will be investigated at greater depth as we go on through our journey, but if we come up to the present, how we fare when we eventually emerge from the womb.

Do any real differences emerge once we slip down and out of the inner birthing highways, do our different adventures really begin as soon as this occurs, or at this stage are we really all the same?

Well how about asking a new baby. That will be the next chapter of out story, and lets go and see if there is anything registering in it’s mind.

A soiled slimy green nappy anyone, or maybe a regurgitated bowl of food, and to get us in the mood why not enjoy the difference between a man and a woman’s brain.

Watch it, laugh with it, and see if it rings any bells!



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